Family is Family

I've heard it said that before we are born we know where we are headed. If that is true I wonder if we get a chance to pick the family we want or is it a random thing? I'm guessing you don't get to choose. My family is a little quirky some I don't like to claim but wonderful for the most part.

The common thread with humans is everyone has a family. We all start with a mom and dad. Who for some parents may only last moments but we all have a parental unit. It may be that our parents are adoptive, foster, grandparents or other guardians. A parental unit being our mother and father figure. It may even be that our mother and father figure are the same person but it still works out that we have a guide throughout the beginning of our lives. I had a great mom and a great step dad. He came later but he was a good one.

Some of us have siblings. I have five brothers and two sisters I claim as mine. I grew up with a little brother and an older sister. At 19 I gained a second older sister. She claims she picked us. A couple of years later I met my little brother and then next and then the next. All three little brothers came with the same biological father and a step mom. My oldest brother and I met when I was 27 only this one was from my mom and different father. All five brothers bring me great joy. My sisters can really be a challenge but they are keepers for sure. Maybe it's a girl thing for me.

Our extended family always felt close. When I was a kid my mom's family got together at least once a year. Usually our visits were in the summer or during school holiday breaks. Mom's brothers both lived in Utah and her parents were about half way. We'd make our way to see one or some and spend a week or more each time. We always had a blast doing it. Seeing them even once a year made me feel connected. My father's family (for my first 8 years) lived only a few minutes away and we saw them often. Once my grandmother died my uncle went into an assisted living home (he had down syndrome) and my grandfather got remarried and moved away. I didn't see any of them much once they moved.

As my family aged and began our own families we didn't get together with the cousins as much. We had reunions and would make an effort to see each other when we could but it can be years between visits. We keep in contact through our parents and by cards or phone. Once we hit adulthood we all got so busy there just wasn't as much time. The sense of family we shared has been one through distance but never faded even when our contact with each other lessened.

My siblings were scattering and starting their own lives and families. We manage to get together for holidays and birthdays whenever we could. The dynamics of my family with 4 of my 5 brothers having different one different parent, the one sister who has kept distant and one sister who was an addition with my step dad made getting us all in the same room at the same time a rarity. A rarity that has to date never occurred. Usually one or more of us is always missing. At my son's wedding we had all 5 boys in the same room. That was awesome. I keep hoping that we will one day all make it happen but it does not seem likely. Our children are forming the same kinds of bonds we had with our cousins. Their proximity makes it a little easier for most of them to get together. There is 1 out of state and 3 out of country which make visiting a little tougher.

I have witnessed people without living family or whose family is far away or whose family is so dysfunctional they chose to join other family groups. They either adopt the families of others or establish a tight knit a group of friends or co-workers they bond with. For a while my family was a part of an extended family unit of friends. My ex and I moved to Utah in 1986 we bonded with his cousins and my aunt & uncle. When we moved to Oklahoma in 1992, we bonded with old friends who had moved to Oklahoma as well. We did holidays, birthdays and special occasions together. It was great.

I understand how hard it is to keep close when you live far away. Thank goodness for the internet. We are so lucky today with a few keystrokes we can stay in touch with an exchange of words and photos. After finishing school in Oklahoma I found myself drawn back to my family in California. I wanted my children to know their grandparents before their grandparents were gone. I wanted my kids to know my brothers and sisters. I wanted them to know their cousins. We were successful but both my step dad and biological father passed since we returned but not before my kids got to know them. They hang out with cousins and have fun doing it.

Since returning to California I have made the effort to take my kids to see their father's parents and siblings. I never was able to connect with his siblings and his parents have made no effort to make a connection. The visits ended up being uncomfortable for my kids. They felt unwelcome. Their grandmother spent most of the time talking about how great her other grandchildren are and how spoiled they have become. I can't figure out why his family make no effort to get to know their own family. This feeling has been magnified since becoming a grandmother myself. They live about an hour away and never invite the kids to come over for holidays or birthdays. They don't even call for birthdays or holidays. I'm not sure if it is because my ex is an ex or if they are just so dysfunctional on their own. The only thing I do know is that they are missing out. My children would only enhance their lives.

The truth is family is family. You can't pick them but you can make the best of the ones you got.