You Do What You Have to Do

Blog post #89 of 365

My grandparents had a very weird start. Both born the 1900 they were bound by traditions that are luckily obsolete. Women were expected to marry and have a man take care of them. The oldest boy always inherits and the following boys are left to make their way in the world. Both had kind of crappy starts. 

My grandmother was born in Alberta, Canada and her family moved to the states. On a trip while my grandmother was driving another car broadsided their car and her father was killed. She blamed herself and became sort of a recluse. She ate for comfort and unfortunately never really dated.

My grandfather was the second male child and after his brother blew his schooling money he decided to return to run the family farm. My grandfather fell hopelessly in love with a local girl who would not leave her mother and since they lived in a small farming community there was nothing for my grandfather to do but to find his fortune elsewhere. He eventually made his way to Los Angeles where he found steady work.

Both of my grandparents were encouraged to marry. They were both 30. Old singles for 1930. Their bishop actually told them they needed to find a mate. He laid out my grandfather's options for single ladies. Very few to choose from. They courted for a very short while and then they married. As far as I could tell no love story. Very sad really.

My grandmother soon became pregnant with my father a healthy boy. A few years later they had my uncle. He wasn't expected to live through the night. He had Down Syndrome. He couldn't swallow. 
His doctor said death was a 'certainty' and they were encouraged to let him go. Send him to a home to live out his days. My grandmother was a stubborn lady. She spoon fed him and rubbed his throat until the liquid went down. My uncle learned to swallow. My uncle to dress himself, to speak a few simple words and several other mostly survival things. The boy who wasn't expected to make it, did.

My grandparents spoiled the normal son with things and freedom. They spent most of their time and energy on the special needs child. This was a big mistake. My grandfather was continually bailing his first child out of one mess or another. 

My grandmother blamed herself for her father's death. Blamed herself for a loveless marriage. Blamed herself for a handicapped son. Blamed her husband for an out of control normal child because she was busy with the son who 'needed' her. Maybe in a way it was her fault. She had her first child later in life and the chance of having a disabled child increases as the mother ages. But really there was nothing she could have done to prevented it. It wasn't really her fault. Maybe God was giving her something else to focus on. Something besides her father.

She tried. He tried. Everyone suffered. 

When my grandmother died at 69 years old my grandfather found out just how much my grandmother had done for my uncle. He couldn't handle taking care of him alone. My grandmother did most of everything herself. She was tough. And probably tougher still because she always blamed herself. For everything. Thinking she was somehow the cause him to be born that way. Maybe as some penance for 'killing' her father. She did everything for her family. It wasn't long after her death that my uncle was finally put in a home where he could be cared for by professionals.

My grandfather got his happily ever after. When my grandmother died he went back home to visit. He went fishing. He ran into old friends who mentioned that the love of his life was single. She had married poorly and after a loveless marriage they divorced. My grandfather married the selfish girl he left behind so many years before. But for several years he was happy.He chose to ignore her selfishness because he wanted to give her everything. He wanted her to know love.

The point to all of this is sometimes you just do what you might have to do. Sometimes you go through the motions. Do what is expected of you. Sometimes there is a reward. Sometimes there isn't but you still continue to do what you have to do.