Living With a Stranger

Blog post #215 of 365

I got married and three point five years later I realized I was living with a stranger, a liar actually. So I moved on.

Honestly after that I was afraid of marriage. But eventually I got remarried. He was so much better. We had a normal relationship not perfect but a work in progress. Mostly we adored each other until one day he didn't. He just decided he didn't want to be a husband and father. He wanted a reset button. He wanted to start his life over. He didn't want any responsibility. He didn't want to be apart of a family. I mean really? Ten years together and you just bolt? I didn't recognize the man I married after he left. Within the following twelve months he literally disappeared from his entire family. Crazy I know but that is how it went. Well we have found each other and he still doesn't want the responsibility of parenthood. Our children are no longer children but he doesn't want to put in the effort to have a relationship with them. It makes me very sad.

My kids couldn't leave. Not then anyway. We were in the same boat, adrift on an ocean of uncertainty. Being a parent is tough enough without having to make every tough decision alone. Even the 'easy' decisions can become a task in that situation. Like the completely terrible day I was having and decided we needed to have ice cream before dinner. Not just ice cream but ColdStones. My kids set me straight, "Mom we haven't even had dinner yet." "We will get to it," I responded. They still question my sanity.

As the kids were growing up I enjoyed watching stages come and go. Infancy, toddlers, little kids, big kids, preteens, teenagers, young adults and finally adults. They were always changing. They are still changing.

The hardest part is living with someone you have known since before birth. You felt every flutter, kick, turn, and stretch. The one you guided through every milestone, new tooth, new friend, old friend, and unfortunately every worldly trend. Along the way a switch flips and all of a sudden you are living with a stranger. Sometimes it lasts for a moment and you wonder what happened but are so grateful to have your child back. Sometimes you never get that person back. The one you knew, could rely on, the one you could predict, the one you could please. All of that can be gone in a second and you'll never understand why. You get this new version. Your world can turn upside down.

What I wouldn't give to have a chance to understand. To make corrections if possible. To have the little person I remember resemble the grown up in my life now...