Most people when they look in the mirror are checking something. Do my clothes look right, is my hair good, my make up, do I have bags or whatever. They usually aren't focused on the whole but just the parts they are questioning. I look at myself in the mirror every day. Really look at myself. I have a multitude of reasons for doing it. May of which I just don't want to get into but some I will explain here.
My mom hates to look at herself. She see someone she doesn't recognize in the mirror. She hates photos of herself. The only way I can get around it is to take photos of her with someone else and then she will tolerate it, barely, sometimes. The thing is I want people to know what she looks like especially when she has gone. One of the reasons I look at myself in the mirror every day is so I don't wake up one morning wondering who the person in the mirror is and why I love her. (Yes I believe I should love myself.)
I make sure to get acquainted with my wrinkles, gray hairs, gain or loss of a pound or two here or there. I look at changes and witness the sameness. Those things that don't change. I look in the mirror because I don't want to be shocked when I see a photo of myself. I I look in the mirror so I can say I know who I am and what I look like.
A few days ago my wise and wonderful daughter in law posted a link to a blog http://myfriendteresablog.com/so-youre-feeling-too-fat-to-be-photographed/. I don't read every blog people tell me about but I do read some and I did read this one. It hit me that my quest to have evidence of me being at family gatherings is headed in the right direction.
When I show a photo to one of my grandchildren and ask who is in it when they are under three if they are in it they usually see themselves first and whoever else next. After three they usually point out mommy or daddy or siblings or cousins or grandparents first.
I am not my ideal weight but I don't know many who are. I have wrinkles. I have gray hairs. (Not as many as my siblings but I am gaining on them.) I refuse to look at photos of myself and pick myself apart. I admit some angles are better than others. I agree that every photo is not flattering but when I see a photo of myself with someone I love I don't see their flaws I see the people I love. I want to always see that. I don't want fear of what someone else might think get in the way of memories of me. Do I have fears sure? Will they stop me? Nope not unless I let them.
I love photos of laughter. Spontaneous love. Silly faces. Big messes. Chaos and confusion. And most of all I love seeing the people who love me.
A photo may be a frozen mirror of what I look like at the moment it was taken but it isn't taken for me to pick apart. It is taken so that many generations from now someone will know what I look like and maybe they will be less inclined to tear into themselves and let the memories be captured forever in the frozen mirror. I will not "duck-and-cover" or make "silly faces" to hide from my real self. I have learned to love me flaws and all.
Do not let your vanity prevent you from being a part of the moment. Do not avoid the camera or the mirror. Do not cheat people out of knowing who you are. Life isn't going to wait until you're ready enough, thin enough, fit enough or whatever is preventing you from allowing yourself to be remembered. Like the woman in the blog I too have had close calls with death. Maybe that is why I can relate so well. Maybe that is why I put myself out there for scrutiny that probably exists mostly in my mind. Any 'insecurities' I have in my head are my insecurities not how my family sees of me.
I "value my family over the value" of my imperfections. I accept I am who I am but I will never stop trying to be better. In the meanwhile I will let the documentation continue. I will "let (my) loved ones remember the (me) they love"
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