Irrational and Real Fear

Blog post #373 of 365

I know fear. I grew up in a house filled with constant fear. (Abusive parent, explanation for another day maybe.)

True fear is the is to worry about something you expect to happen. Then there is the fear of something that might happen. Big difference but sometimes you have no idea if or when something bad might happen. Real fear is knowing nothing much sets him off and at any time he could go in a rage. That is real fear. No if, just when. No why, just because.

Irrational fear is real. I've had that too. Like when my daughter who was born with a heart defect. They told me if she made it to her second birthday she would likely make it to adulthood. It felt like I was holding my breath for two years. That was real fear. But the irrational part came in when I decided to delay getting my tubes tied because I knew in my heart if I did my daughter would surly die. That isn't rational. But I convinced myself it was true. Irrational fear is when I had an accident in the grocery store and for a year could not go up and down the isle. I would break our it a cold sweat, couldn't catch my breath and sometimes stood paralyzed in one spot for several minutes at a time completely unable to move.

Now I have a real reason to have real fear.

Food allergies make eating outside my home difficult. I always have to ask how stuff is prepared and in what. What is in it and more. Pot lucks at church are a nightmare, dinner at a friends is usually a little easier because I tell them ahead of time what I have allergies to. But then there is the I just don't care about your allergies people who make whatever and then get mad when I can't eat.

I have also developed allergies to smells. Oil, grass, flowers, perfumes, potpourri, air fresheners, creams, lotions, soaps, hair sprays, cologne, topical medications and more. I take tons of medications. I don't go where I'll find lots of people and I wear a mask when it gets bad.

Here is where the irrational part comes in. I am getting to the point where I dread leaving home. I avoid public restrooms because they nearly always have an air freshener. Lord help me but I feel like a pariah.

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